"The Feeling"

You know that feeling you get sometimes.

You know the one I'm talking about. That feeling where everything is just wonderful. Total Euphoria. You have continuous chills, the good kind not the bad kind. And you're so happy you want  to cry. The one where it doesn't feel like anything could go wrong?

You know that feeling?
What is that feeling for you?
What does it mean?
When do you get it?

With your boyfriend or girlfriend? With your friends? With your tv shows? (hey whatever floats your boat I guess).

I get it rarely. It's always the same way though. I don't get it from my boyfriend (well, I don't have a boyfriend. But I don't think I'd get it from him). Not really from my friends, and I don't watch a lot of TV.


I do get it, however, when I'm with my Lord. It occurs when I'm in adoration, or after I've received the Eucharist. Sometimes it happens when I'm at youth group or in silent morning or evening prayer. I really only get it when I'm with my Lord.

I guess I'm blessed in that way. It really and truly makes me feel like God is giving me a big old hug. It's like a blanket of grace covers my entire body to make me feel secure, happy, loved.

Now, let me back track a bit. I have gotten somewhat of this feeling before; from guys, or "friends". It's a little bit different though. Its darker, not as sensational. It doesn't feel like euphoria, it feels like pride. It is pride.

I realize that the only way I can get the truly happy at peace euphoria that I was talking about is with God. Not with a handsy guy or gossipy friends. That was all fake.

Fake love.
Fake admiration.
Fake everything.

It's what the devil puts in our lives to make our sins feel good. To lure us into the temptations of him, and not of Him.



What makes you feel good?
Is it God? OR the devil?

I challenge you to figure it out.



Trust me, its a struggle. It's not going to stop being a struggle. I struggle with it all the time. Its worth trying though.

Tell me the attempt to getting into heaven isn't worth trying for.



xo

Trust in Him.

Whats so important about being important? My daily struggles with the devil.

I struggle a lot with pinpointing things that are important to me.

I mean like, REALLY important. Not just things I care about for a second or a day. I can group a variety of things in this category that do actually mean a lot to me, like friends, family, my dog, ect.

But where does my faith fit in?

I end up pondering that question a lot, especially as of late. Where does faith fit into my life, and more specifically, where does faith in His timing fit?

Do I really have faith in His timing? Or only look to my own? What does it even mean to have faith in His timing?!

That last one is a dozy(sp?).

I spend my entire life rushing from one thing to the next, barely even thinking about the idea of timing; any kind of timing really.

So where does that leave me?

Rushed
Stressed
Anxious
Upset
Confused
Lost
Miserable.

But why?

You see the devil constantly throws these negative emotions at us. They all stem down to one little lie: You are not good enough.

Now, let me just tell you, I battle with the whole "not good enough" thing ALOT.

And when I say ALOT I mean like, constantly. Literally every five minutes I counter myself saying "I guess I'm just not good enough".


Is that okay? Oh no, definitely not. It's easier to believe the devil's constant decree of not good enoughness.

I get down on myself a lot. I have found, however, that silence helps to fill my heart. It used to be the opposite. Silence used to make me more anxious, more upset, most scared. I try to be silent as often as possible, which let me tell you, can come of rude I guess. I don't mean it that way.

Silence is just a way for me to think about things. I get lost in my thoughts a lot of times, and here's where it always brings me. It brings me to one of two places.

1. It brings me to say I suck. I will never be good enough, I'm not good enough to be on a core team, I'm not good enough to go to mass, I'm not good enough to be friends or a girlfriend.

-or-

2. It brings me to say all of the things in #1, and end with but you really DO make me good enough. Even though its hard to believe, even though its hard to agree with, you do make me good enough because you made me in the first place. And although my human actions go against what you originally made, I'm still, deep down, exactly who you want me to be; your daughter.

So from now on I'll be a perfect little princess always remember that I'm good enough for You and never battling with it again; right?

haha, yeah right. I wish.

Reality is, that's not going to happen. It never will. I will always battle with myself, I will always battle with the idea that I'm not good enough for anyone or anything, but should that stop me from doing what I love for who I love?

What is truly important to me? What is truly important to you?



xo

Struggling.

You have dirt on your forehead....

Today is the official beginning of the Lenten season. We, as Catholics, are called to receive ashes on our forehead on this day to signify the beginning of Lent.

So I went to 11 am mass at the Cathedral this morning and it was pretty awesome. I started the Lenten season off with confession so I was able to receive Communion completely free of sin. (Uhm, how loving is our God?!)

Anyways, I was sitting in Starbucks before class today and I saw a guy from one of my classes. He came over to me and we started talking about our group project and other stuff. He noticed that I had ashes on my forehead and goes "Oh, is today Ash Wednesday? Are you Catholic?"

I was like yep, I am! Are you? And he basically told me that he had gone to Catholic school his whole life but kind of stopped as he's grown older. It was a really awesome conversation about Lent and stuff.

I don't know, I guess the reason I was so filled with joy is because sometimes it is really hard to wear ashes because it is such an outward symbol. Over the years I have gotten a lot of different responses to the wearing of ashes on Ash Wednesday, everything from "you have dirt on your forehead" to "what is Lent?".

Sometimes it's easier for us to just wipe off the ashes right after mass to avoid any awkward conversations that may come up.

But, remember that this is a simple way to Evangelize. As 90.5 spirit fm says "If you were baptized, you're a missionary". Be a missionary today and this Lent and wear your ashes proud!

I hope this Lent really brings you deeper into the Sacrifice that is our Lord and Savior.

Remember, no meat today or on Fridays!

xoxox

This Lent I'm giving up...

So about 3 Lent's ago I really started to feel the effect of the Lord's love.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm perfect, deserving, or without fault. In fact, I am with fault more times than not. I struggle a lot.

Anyways, I started to look into myself and the question of "What are you giving up for Lent" was constantly coming up.

Thats the year I decided that I would never give anything up for lent again.

Let's be REAL here. How does not eating chocolate or not drinking soda bring you closer to God? If it doesn't bring you any closer to Him than what is the point of it?

Jesus went into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights as a sacrifice to God. If your sacrifice isn't for God in order for you to get closer to Him than what is the point?

I just feel like so many people use Lent as a "diet" scheme.  So many people use Lent as an excuse to not eat something, so that when they want to their head instantly goes back to "No, I'm giving it up for Lent. I can't.".

That doesn't make any sense.

Lent is about sacrifice, trying to make yourself ready for the outpouring of God's love that IS Good Friday. If it's anything less than I challenge you to rethink your Lenten sacrifice.


xo.

P.S. in case you are wondering, this Lent I'm going focus more on the power of prayer. This past few weeks I've been struggling a lot with the devil and such. I went to confession today and feel a lot better. Anyways the priest talked to me a lot about prayer and the power of it. So I'm really going to spend my days in silence, praying and trying to go deeper.

I cannot boast about my love for God because I fail Him daily, but I can boast about His love for me because it never fails.

Do you ever get lost in your struggles? Do you ever feel dejected in your weakness?

I'm feeling it today.


"For though He was crucified in weakness, yet He lives by the power of God. For we also are weak in Him, but we shall live with Him by the power of God toward you." 2 Corinthians  13:4


"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

But... what do girls want?

I feel like every article you find that is entitled "What girls want in a guy" and "What guys want in a girl" don't ever get to the point. They are all like, ooh I want a boy how gives me flowers and calls me baby (bleh). I want a girl who rubs my feet and cooks my dinner. Uh no. FYI Girls don't want to rub your feet, no offense. Anyways, all of these articles just get to the surface. They never speak about the HEART. There is so much more to a relationship than flowers and cooking. Its about sacrifice. It's about finding the one.

But when a girl looks for "the one" what do they find?

Let me tell you a story...

I was recently told about a conversation between a few friends.
One man was talking about his recent venture to the strip club.
When asked about the girls, he said they were "sexy" and "hot", but that the woman he wanted to marry he wanted to find at church.

Yep. You read that correctly, someone who goes to strip clubs wants to meet his wife at a church.

Now, I don't know about you, but this makes absolutely no sense to me. Lemme tell you, the type of man I want to marry isn't one that you find in a strip club on Fridays and church on Sundays.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that we all have our struggles, but if we don't admit to them, when will they be faced? If we continue to justify our actions, when will they get better? Will the switch automatically turn off with the "I do"?

You see, it is so often in this day and age (for men and for women) that we justify our actions. We justify them because one day we'll find something better and on the tip of a hat we'll change.

Think about it, though. The desires of our HEART are for a perfect man. If we skew the desires of our heart to artificial love of things like sex, pornography, strip clubs, ect. we will never truly find the one we love, the one that our heart truly likes. Society has taught us that we should look for our Prince Charming, our Perfect man.  Until we realize, however, that there is only one perfect man (aka GOD) we will only pick the wrong ones.

So what do women want in a man? Women (and not all women, but those at church who you want to marry) want the Lord. Plain and simple. If you find the Lord, you find your love. Remember, God is love.


xoxo

To friend or not to friend...

This past Sunday (at youth group) we talked about the chain reaction of sin and got on the topic of friends and the struggle they sometimes pose.

Now, lemme back track (I think I backtrack in literally every single post I make. Oh well)

Mary Blenke Timeline

2006: Had my first boyfriend, had my first breakup.
2006: Had my second boyfriend, had my second breakup.
2006: Went to High School (St. Petersburg Catholic High School)
-> now, my freshman year I'm not going to lie, I was pretty dang outgoing. I like to think I had a lot of "friends", as in, people to hang out with, people I knew, just people who knew me.
2007: Was introduced to my third boyfriend through friends.
2007: Had my first heart break (wahh, sob sob sob)

Now comes the interesting part.

In 2008 I started a long distance relationship with a guy who lived in Ohio. Never met him, we started talking through myspace (whats that?).

I still had friends.

But the deeper I got into this relationship the less prevalent my friends became. Over the next two year I had basically lost all my friends.

ANYWAYS, I think the reason it was so devastating was not because I actually liked the people I called my friends or looked up to them, it was the idea that I had no one to hang out with. I had no group to go to prom with, I had no group to be a part of.

I walked into school everyday and sat at the same picnic table with the same people, didn't really talk, didn't really listen, just sat there.

I couldn't decide what was worse: going to school and having no one or being at home on the weekends and having no one.


Now, almost 2 years later, I finally realize why I was so upset about being alone.

I was in mass yesterday and the homily spoke about the lies the devil puts on our hearts because of original sin (there are two):

1. That something is wrong with us. 
The devil puts this lie on our hearts so that it will create an extreme uneasiness. That every time someone says a comment against or even to compliment us we scrutinize it and in the end scrutinize yourself.

and ...... (pay attention!)

2. That you are alone. (moreover that it is not okay to be alone)
A.K.A. the quietness that the Lord calls for we perceive as NOT OKAY. The devil puts this on our heart so that we fill our days with useless things so that we do not have to be alone, with our own thoughts and ultimately with God.

So, this is what I have learned from my last two high school years, especially my senior years. (I broke up with my boyfriend right before my senior year)

Those years CHANGED MY LIFE for the better.

Those years are when I truly found the Lord in my silence. I learned that its ok to have time to myself. I learned that when I spent time alone I actually was with my Lord and Savior because the truth is that YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

When you feel alone, it is the devil telling you that you are alone. You aren't alone. Never.

I'm sitting in my car writing this right now. Technically I am alone, no one is around or with me. But I'm not alone.

First of all, I'm with you cool cats. Second of all, I'm with my Lord. All that I write is of Him.

I encourage you to become friends with HIM. I guarantee after you do (or even just continuously attempt too) you will NEVER feel alone.

I never feel alone.


xo

Fearfully and WONDERFULLY made. My Beloved.

Let me just tell you, I freaking LOVE the word Beloved.

I long to be called Beloved. I was journaling about it a few weeks ago and said something along the lines of "Lord, when will I find someone to call me Beloved?"

He was straight up like "uh hello Mary, nice to meet you I'm RIGHT HERE".

I mean, it says it in the Bible doesn't it?

"Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world." (John 4:1)

Yep, right there.

He calls us Beloved! As if He knew we would be reading this word one day, all of Christianity reading it as a Holy and personal account from the Lords mouth.

Isn't it crazy that the Bible was put together on the premise that one day millions of people would read and learn by it? SO CRAZY.

Ahh, I love being called Beloved.
Lets break it down.

Be-Loved

Be. Be you, Be the Lord. What is our calling in life?  Who knows. There is one calling we all must know is ours and act upon it. The call to be the Lords.

The Lord calls us all to His table. To believe in Him and to love Him.
We are called to love Him through our love to others. Our neighbors.

Be what the Lord is calling you to be, Loved.

Loved. So many different meanings from one simple word. I see it in two ways. Loved, to be a loving and thoughtful member of society so that when people think back to who you are they can say "Mary really Loved the world, the society, and everything God has created for her.". Loved. Loved is a past tense of the word Love, sometimes anyways. It is also an explanation.

She is Loved. She Loved.

She Loved is past tense
She is Loved is present tense.

Be-Loved; be loving.
Be-Loved: be loved.

Beloved: what the Lord calls us and what we are called to act as.

We are HIS Beloved.

We were fearfully and WONDERFULLY made.

He Loves us above all else.

Beloved.

I can't get any holier.

I once heard someone say "I'm as Holy as I need to be, I don't think I can get any better". Truth be told, up until a few years ago I agree. Now that I know better, my heart truly aches at the thought of not being able to dive deeper, to become Holier.

When I joined the Life Teen movement almost 6 years ago my whole world twisted a little. The more I've been involved with this movement, the more I realize that statement up there is completely false. Thats something that I find different about the Catholic faith, there's always room to grow more. I have a friend-boy (I did that on purpose) that is Presbyterian Protestant (I think that's how you say it) and we talk a lot about faith. If I may explain his position without his permission I would say that he longs to go deeper but just doesn't know how, like he's stuck.

Stuck? Stuck where? Mary, what in the world are you talking about.

Well, reader, I am talking about this. The Catholic (and Christian) faith in general is full of mysteries. The mystery of the Virgin Mary, the mystery of the Holy Trinity, the mystery of the Eucharist.

I mean, look at the rosary! There are the Joyful mysteries, the Sorrowful Mysteries, the Glorious mysteries, and the Luminous mysteries.
Whats the key word here? mysteries.


Ding Ding Ding!

We have all these mysteries that cannot be solved other than by the Lord. I can't explain to you why or how or when Mary ascended into Heaven. I can't convince you with my own words who the Holy Spirit impregnated a 14 year old Virgin girl with the Savior of the world. I just don't have the words or the power. Sure, I can tell you about them, but I know no root. I just know what I read and what I have faith in.

This brings us back to my post on the Eucharist, kind of. God doesn't call us to understand everything about our faith, but he calls us to have faith in it. To believe in it and hope to one day understand it better (not fully). That is why they are called mysteries.
If we did not have mysteries, there would be nothing to dive deeper into. Our faith would just be cut and dry, with explanations to everything and understanding of everything.

What fun would that be?

Dive a little deeper, I promise you'll never reach the bottom. (until heaven, and once you're there pray for those seeking to go deeper on earth!)

Peace and God's love.